A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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So, back to the really important things in life, like Survivor and Big Brother.

Have you noticed that out of the entire casts of the two programmes, there isn’t a single… ginger. Surely that’s against the law? Good grief, they’ve even got a gay boy in there, but no carrot-tops? It reeks of discrimination.

I can perhaps understand the producers of Survivor deciding that 10 weeks on a tropical island might prove problematic for people who get sunstroke if they wander too close to a 100 watt bulb, but that’s no excuse for Big Brother. On boring days they could have pinned the ginger down and play join-the-dots on his or her freckles.

And what planet is that Penny from? No wonder our education system is in crisis if she’s an example of a typical English teacher. And she claims to be 33-years-old? Do me a favour, she’s 38 if she’s a day. With numerical skills like that, it’s a good job she doesn’t teach Maths.

Carl Skaith, “star” of the latest Claims Direct commercial, makes a less-than-convincing advert for this shabby firm of ambulance-chasers.

Carl claims to have “fallen off a ladder” at work, and has since been unable to play football.

Have you seen the size of him? What a lardarse. How he ever got up the ladder in the first place is a mystery. As to the odds of him ever completing a full ninety minutes of football, well, do they make shirts in XXXXXL?

Bring back Declan Swann with the dodgy eye. At least he didn’t make the room go dark when the advert came on.

It is the Duke of Edinburgh’s 80th birthday this week. At the risk of appearing insensitive, given recent events in Nepal, can I suggest that it might be a good idea to give Prince Charles a damn good frisking before letting him into the party?BARRY BEELZEBUB

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