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Unidentified Headline 114

A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post


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A new report, issued last week by the ludicrously-named Home and Leisure Accident Surveillance System, showed that last year there were 37 reported injuries caused by tea-cosy related incidents and a staggering 13,132 injuries caused by vegetables, up by nearly a thousand from the previous year. Surprisingly none of the vegetable-related injuries involved Michael Barrymore or any of his young friends.

Also up, by a factor of one, was the number of totally pointless reports prepared by NuLabour quangos using taxpayers’ money that could have been spent on those hospitals and schools still waiting for “jam tomorrow”.

Should I have the good fortune to bump into whoever commissioned this nonsense, I can confidently report that there would be an immediate increase in the number of “fist-related teeth incidents” to include in next year’s version.


To the County Ground, where the mighty England are taking on a bunch of pyjama-clad Colonials.

Predictably, the record-breaking Australian tourists teased the English into thinking they had a chance of actually winning the game, then battered the remaining runs required with a couple of huge boundaries. I am becoming heartily sick of being beaten at our own game by a bunch of foreigners, so I’ve decided to start a campaign to even up the odds.

Since all Australians are descended from convicts, they should be electronically tagged the moment they enter the country. And not with one of those poncy little ankle bracelets, but with a real, old fashioned, ball and chain. Let’s see them going for quick singles then.

The addition of a little sensor which gives the batsman an electric shock every time the ball crosses the boundary rope would provide an extra incentive not to show off by hitting fours.

All we need now is a captain with a rudimentary grasp of tactics, a couple of batsmen who don’t lose control of their bodily functions once the ball exceeds 60mph and we’ll be in with a chance.


PS: May I take this opportunity to apologise to the lady in the crowded pub on Gloucester Road who inadvertently backed into my hand at about 8.27pm on Sunday night. And tell your husband that he needs to go on an anger management course.
– BARRY BEELZEBUB

The views of Mr Beelzebub are purely personal and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Editor or staff of this newspaper, or of anyone who believes that TV detector vans really work. They actually contain a bloke called Keith from the Bristol suburb of Fishponds who sits on a box reading the Daily Star while twirling a wire coat-hanger he’s stuffed through a hole in the roof.

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