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The spirit of Christmas

The spirit of Christmas
by Graham Smith

Freelance journalist Graham Smith, of Mediaworld, prepares for the big day.


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I knew it was nearly Christmas when I heard a woman had used her husband’s £2,000 Millennium whiskey in the trifle and that a Clapham chip shop owner was serving up battered Christmas dinners.

It’s that time of year isn’t it when normally sane people do things which qualify them for full frontal lobotomies?

The dog’s the same. He is not himself. He has taken to making love to large inanimate objects. Pillows, chair arms and then spends a breathless hour licking his differentials, and he doesn’t use a condom which is particularly distressing when it’s my pillow. I don’t like wet ears.

I know I’m digressing from the trifle but have you ever seen a randy Lakeland Terrier? Not a pretty sight. The nostrils flare, the ears go back, the eyes glaze over and you wonder whether he has a gun in his pocket or he’s just pleased to see you. It’s embarrassing in mixed company especially if you are out walking at the time. What can you do? He even gets frisky if next door’s moggy has been near the rhododendron the night before.

The same scene will, of course, be repeated at countless office parties over the next few weeks. Normally prim and proper people will succumb to the evils of drink and a quick Noddy Holder chorus of “Here it is Merry Xmas”. Lip studs will interlock and there’s a great danger of unwanted pregnancies unless the managing director gets his string vest tangled before he does unspeakable things with the not so bright young thing from the mailing room.

Sorry, the trifle. A lady from Fife used a prized malt worth £2,000 to make a birthday surprise trifle for her husband. He sportingly used the last drop to toast her mistake.

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