Everything’s dafter in Texas
by Graham Smith

Freelance journalist Graham Smith, Managing Editor of Mediaworld PR Ltd, has written topical humour columns for five years. Now he’s sharing them with HoldTheFrontPage.

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If your dentist came at you with a Black and Decker drill you would be seriously concerned.

The Yanks back it both ways. Not known for being the brightest people on God’s Earth they have turned out an electric drill with the warning label attached reading “This product is not intended for use as a dental drill”.

It’s true. And just in case you’re a bit uncertain when it comes to rinse and spit the sign in an American lavatory politely informs users that it works on recycled flush water and is “unsafe for drinking”!

The rash of barmy signs is due to the fact that if it moves in America there is every chance that some seriously deranged person may sue. Michigan is a hot spot and in another warning from the local Lawsuit Abuse Watch visitors to a rock garden are warned “Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth” Quite.

On holiday once I saw a larger than average American lady who had managed somehow to fit herself into a pair of jeans which would have made a handy tarpaulin for the Millennium Dome. She was large, loud, rumbustious and that’s the way it is in the good old USA.

They’ve put out a pair of cyclists’ shin pads with the warning ” Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover”. A push chair label warned users “Remove child before folding” and a sleeping pill prescription read “Warning may cause drowsiness”.

“Never iron clothes while they are being worn,” adorned a household iron. Well you wouldn’t would you? If your husband is wearing his Y-fronts you could do untold damage to his differentials and if you, like some sad people, put creases in them, married life may never be the same again.

The intelligence behind these warnings reminds me of Great Yarmouth Council who, a few years ago, decided that the horses which pulled the landaus along the seafront were making far too much mess. Solution? A bright spark suggested they wear nappies. Pampers would have straight in there for a contract like that, but eventually, after many committee meetings and seminars, it was decided no one was brave enough to put the safety pins in.

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