Christmas day in the workhouse
by Graham Smith

Freelance journalist Graham Smith, of Mediaworld, with a new composition.

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Christmas Day in the workhouse
(A tasteful variation)

‘Twas Christmas Day in the workhouse
The Merriest Day of the year
The paupers and the prisoners were all assembled there.

In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that shattered glass
Said: “We don’t want your Christmas pudding
So stick it with the rest of the unwanted presents”

The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said: “Who wants a parson’s nose?”
And the prisoners shouted: “You have it yourself sir.”

The vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
“This man gets on very well with everybody”

The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their eyes, which were full of tears.

The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone,
Gave three loud cheers and nearly choked herself

And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his paper hat and the man’s next to him.

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged gourmet called aloud
“This bread sauce tastes like it was made by a continental chef”

Mince pie with custard was the next
And each received a bit
One pauper said: “This mince pie’s nice
“But the custard tastes like the bread sauce we had in the last verse!”

The mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried: “Aren’t I a silly girl?”
And they answered: “You’re a perfect picture as always Ma’am!”

“This pudding,” said the master
“Is solid, hard and thick
“How am I going to cut it?”
And a man cried: “Use your penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle”

The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said: “What would you like to see?”
And they cried: “Let’s see your conjuring tricks, they’re always worth watching”.

“Your reverence may I be excused?”
Said one benign old chap
“I don’t like conjuring tricks
“I’d sooner have a carol or two around the fire”

So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
“Merry Christmas!” cried the master
And the inmates shouted: “Best of luck to you as well sir!”

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