A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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It’s come to something when the bloody Germans feel free to have a pop at this great country of ours.

In a badly-written diatribe in Stern magazine (think Hello crossed with Fiesta), Mr Blah’s Cool Britannia is condemned as a violent and racist Third World country with sheep burning in the fields and public services that simply don’t work. And our children are “the most stupid in Europe.”

Don’t blame Stern for that last bit. It was actually a quote from The Guardian, reading matter of choice of the very people who are supposed to be educating our kids.

This is a national disgrace. Surely we can’t let a bunch of Krauts slag us off without at least launching a nuclear strike on Berlin? (What? All our submarines are in dock and the only one on active service is on hire from the Germans? Err… right.)

Of course, the arrogant, sausage-eating, goose-stepping Huns are quite right. We are a Third World country. There, I’ve said it.

Our road network is an over-crowded disgrace; on the odd occasion that our trains run on time, they’re liable to crash; our schools are an under-funded joke; the police force is more interested in catching speeding motorists than solving crimes; and our health service simply beggars belief.

Instead of making Britain the jewel of Europe, Mr Blah has made us a laughing stock. Of course, he’s not to blame. It’s all the fault of 17 years of Tory misrule. If we just give him a little more time, and a lot more money, he’ll sort things out. Honest.

Is it just me, or has this joke election campaign served to bring to the fore a general malaise about life in Britain today? Even Her Majesty’s Press have lost the plot.

Every inch of our national newspapers that aren’t filled with monotonous election trivia are chock-a-block with half-naked half-celebrities, Jordan’s baps or dire columns like this one.

Take David Beckham’s haircut. Since when has a footballer’s tonsorial troubles been fit for the front page of the Daily Telegraph? Were there no wars or famines to report? Especially ones where the Germans started it? It’s enough to make a cat laugh.

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