A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Look out! The police are kicking the door down!

I suppose it was to be expected. Once they’d decided to investigate the appalling Anne Robinson for making disparaging comments about the Welsh, it was only a matter of time before the rest of us got the 6am knock.

Now, you might wonder how a refugee from Liverpool, the home of thieving, benefits-scrounging, granny-stabbing, shellsuit-wearing, workshy Scousers, dares to make rude comments about anyone else, but that’s another matter.

The point is, the red-haired harridan is quite right. The Welsh, as this column has often pointed out in the past, are smug and self-important. And they’re short. And they’re dark. You also wouldn’t want to let them stand too near to the till, if you catch my drift.

Quite why they’re getting so uppity about this most recent abuse is beyond me. They’ve got their own Assembly, their own language and they’ve got Catherine Zeta Jones’ baps to ogle. What more do they want?

And calling the police in to sort out people who insult them is plain daft.

Haven’t the police got enough to do? There are millions of motorists out there just waiting to be persecuted, and the cops are wasting their time sticking up for a race even the Romans deemed unworthy of conquering.

Anyway, isn’t it the role of the English to keep the Welsh in their place? We’ve been doing it for over a thousand years, only now we use a bit of humourous banter instead of sending a small army over Offa’s Dyke.

Good God, there are places in the Forest of Dean where they still burn effigies of Owen Glendower on a Saturday night in case he comes back and steals their sheep again. Try telling them to be nice to the Welsh. They’ve only just stopped stoning bears.

The Commission for Racial Equality would argue that we wouldn’t dare subject Asians or Jews to the abuse we direct at the Welsh or the Scottish. Not so.

If I ever caught Mr Patel from the corner shop setting fire to my holiday cottage in Abergavenny, he’d get a mouthful as well.

The police are always moaning that they can’t attract enough new officers. I think they may have stumbled across a solution.

By paying thousands of pounds of compensation to any officer with even the slightest grievance, the cops are rapidly turning themselves into a uniformed version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

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