A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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Oh joy! The election campaign is in full swing and there are more false promises being made than during the last dance at a disco.But don’t despair. Ignore the spin, lies and hype and put your trust in me. So here it is, the only honest political manifesto you’ll ever read:

HEALTH: Women who get fat after marriage to be placed on state-enforced diets. Doctors to avoid killing patients, either accidentally or deliberately. Smokers to get income tax rebate for dying before they become a burden on the state. Free hair transplants for gingers. Tooth Fairy payments to be increased in line with inflation. Hospital administrators and their families to only get treatment when there’s no waiting list. Casualty patients to be paid £50 for every hour they spend on a trolley.

ENVIRONMENT: Vegetarians to be subject to “lentil tax” with proceeds going to reduce methane levels in the atmosphere. Buses to be forced to run on petrol, rather than child-choking diesel. Chewing gum and aerosol paints to be made illegal, therefore keeping streets clean and graffiti-free. GM crops to be grown for consumption by poor people.

EDUCATION: History curriculum to include two World Wars, one World Cup and the Battle of Trafalgar. And Agincourt. Children must be taught to add, subtract and divide in maths lessons. Children must be taught to read something more demanding than the back of a Pokemon card. Beards (on teachers) banned from classroom. Cardigan tax on teachers to fund new books for libraries. Only kids who can pass eight O-levels (1972 paper) will be allowed to go to university. Teachers to do voluntary work during holidays.

TRANSPORT: No 24-hour bus lanes where there aren’t any 24-hour buses. Company car lanes (two-litre and above, minimum 80mph) on all motorways. Women banned from four-wheel drive vehicles until they’ve passed a special Tesco car park test. Over 21s banned from using silly scooters. No bi-lingual road signs in parts of Wales that are really English. No cycle paths. Cyclists to wear flashing orange lights on their heads and have compulsory lolly sticks in their spokes. EasyJet made to sell all seats at lowest price. Children living within three miles of their school must walk there. Free taxis after midnight for people who can prove that they’ve drunk a minimum eight pints.

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