A weekly column reproduced from the Bristol Evening Post

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So I suppose you want me to tell you how to vote?

Well, on one side we have a dim-witted incompetent with a hair crisis and an irritating accent; on the other we have a barking-mad, arrogant lunatic with scary, stary eyes.

So, taking all things into consideration, I’d vote for Penny (09011 154409).

Let’s get her out of the Big Brother house before she does herself a mental mischief. At least Helen comes out with unintentionally funny comments every now and again, plus there’s always the chance she might get her kit off.

Did you know that more young people will vote in the Big Brother series than will vote in the general election? We shouldn’t be surprised, really.

There is such a lack of informed debate that the entire campaign has turned into something more akin to a brawl in a pub car park: “Leave it, Tone. He’s not worth it.”

No-one wants to talk about the issues because no-one’s got any policies.

NuLabour’s single most important policy was to get elected. Now it’s to stay in power. And once they win with another substantial majority, they’ll set out to extinguish anything remotely resembling opposition.

The Tories have committed hari kari while the Lib Dems have become Tony’s poodle, waiting patiently beneath the table for some scraps to fall.

We are fast heading for a one-party State, with President Blah at the helm of a Federal European dictatorship. Why else would NuLabour have put so much effort into undermining the monarchy and the armed forces?

They’ve failed to make good their promises on education, health, crime and transport.

They’re ethnically-cleansing the countryside with a zeal that would draw admiring glances from old Slobodan. They’re going to abandon the pound and drag us screaming and kicking into Europe whether we like it or not.

And all they’re asking you for is a second chance, an opportunity to “finish the job.” You go ahead, folks. It’s like turkeys voting for Christmas.

Don’t blame me when it all ends in tears. I’m moving to Manchester and voting for Jordan.

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